Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
