I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
