Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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