the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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