Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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