Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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