turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
