At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
