Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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