I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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