you didnt know i had herpes?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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