i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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