3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
