"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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