I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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