i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
