how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
