does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
