Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
