Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
