felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
