shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
