in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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