Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
