my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
