so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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