I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i drank out of a bidet.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
