I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
i think my cat just said my name.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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