It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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