Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
