So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
