i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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