i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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