if only i could text you this smell
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
