please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
