Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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