Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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