you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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