then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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