I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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