peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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