Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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