i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
