Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
