So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
