...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
