How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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