Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
