Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
