giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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