I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
