mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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