My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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